Sunday, April 24, 2011


Taking a break from packing up for my road trip to World Horror Con 2011 in Austin, TX. Since most of my fans seem to be Ukranians (that's my guess from all the email I get - did you know it's customary in their culture to recommend penis-enlargement services as gesture of friendship?), I guess I won't see any of you guys there. So, since I plan to make my big splash at this, my official debut as a published author, I figure this is more of a placeholder entry, a way for people to get to know me when they look me up on their iThings. And, as an added bonus, I've been working on a tentative schedule, so all you new fans will know right where to find me! I can't use FourSquare or anything like that, wouldn't want "you know who" to officially know exactly where I am on the record. It's complicated but let's just say the Sheriff's Department doesn't waste a whole lot of time reading a lot of words on blogs.

It's not complete, so check back during the convention for the latest updates! Or, you know, you could just ask people about "the motherfucker in the hat". All times are in 24-hour time because I was in the Navy. I don't like to talk about it because later I found out it wasn't actually the Navy. Let's just say I didn't exactly "accelerate my life", unless you mean I shortened it and thus made it go by much faster.

Jim's Con Schedule (Tentative)

Thursday, April 28

1830 - Opening Ceremonies. Vomiting out of sheer terror. Come on in when you hear the dry-heaving stop and stick around for cocktails and conversation! Author Q&A! JIM'S ROOM

2000 - Surreptitiously trashing other people's promo materials and replacing them with my own. Sorry, pal, it's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm Korean. AT LARGE, HOTEL

2030 - Meeting with Asian and Pacific Islander Horror Fans of America to apologize for my previous comment about the Korean people. Author Q&A! HALLWAY OUTSIDE JIM'S ROOM

2200 - Drinking gimlets and proposing bar bets no one will take up in between smoking out back behind the Dumpsters. Author Signing Event! HOTEL BAR

2330 - Eating a microwave burrito while my wife tells me that I need to make more friends and be better at networking. JIM'S ROOM

Friday, April 29

0200 - Looking for action at various con parties. I have mescaline! Let me in! AT LARGE, HOTEL

0500 - Taking a nap, which is my "fuzzy phrase" for being passed-out, naked and sweating on the floor of my room as I battle against mighty hallucinations. Author Q&A - Ask Me About My Holy Feets of Abjuration! JIM'S ROOM

0830 - Chatting up fellow writers over breakfast. "It's the guy in the hat!" Possible altercation and tasering to ensue. Panel with local notable C. J. "Dusty" McCall(Exalted Cyclops, Klavern #236) and some fat guy in a wolf shirt who is one of my three fans. I have a neurological disorder! Author Signing Event (subject to author's current legal/medical status)! HOTEL RESTAURANT

1000 - Floating face-down in the hotel pool, praying for death, occasionally urinating when I think I can get away with it. POOL AREA, HOTEL

1330 - Q&A Assault! As part of my guerilla marketing strategy, I will randomly burst into a conference room, shout, "Mumbo jumbo, mumbo jumbo" and begin verbally insulting the author in residence, who's books I've most likely never read. Plan A: depart in a flurry of business cards, followed by my new rabid fans and members of my personal goon army, clever name to be determined. Plan B: evade hotel security, rendezvous at undisclosed location off of hotel
premises. ??? ROOM

1515 - Reading from my latest works as part of my guerilla marketing viral video stratagem. Author Reading! HOTEL LOBBY

1900 - Scoring weed in the bathroom of the nearest fast-food restaurant. Author Signing Event! COM-BINATION PIZZA HUT AND TACO BELL

2000 - Hitting on fat women in corsets while my wife works the DRP table in the dealer room. My eyes are hypnotic, your breastseses are mine to command. Let me motorboat you and I'll tell you about my plans for world domination, my soul-searching journey across the trackless wastes of Cambodia, and my upcoming YA novel (working title: "Middle-School Mack"). Author Q&A! HOTEL BAR

2230 - Karaoke Time! I sing all my favorite AM radio hits from the 70s and 80s until enough of you pussies band together to take me down! Did I mention I don't really sing, but rather talk-sing like the great William F. Shatner? Remember that drunk guys fight twice as hard. HOTEL BAR

Saturday, April 30

0015 - Wife clubbing me halftadeath with her cane. I swear they were like all over me and they were too heavy for me to fight them off! I'm a weak man! This is a great time to learn about the real life of a writer. Author and Wife Q&A! MEN'S ROOM, HOTEL BAR

0130 - Dark night of the soul. Join me as I discuss suicide, the myths of human reason and free will, and violently curse writers more successful than me. Possibly my last event ever, so be sure to get your books now! Author Signing Event! Author Q&A! Author on Fire! Author Defenestration! HOTEL ROOF

1 comment:

  1. Dude, soak it up. Enjoy the experience. You'll never have another first convention as a published writer, so even though you might have moments when you feel like the mentally challenged cousin tagging along on a double date while the two couples make out in the car, one day you'll look back and cherish the feelings.